A Sin

I have something on my conscience and I'm finding it really hard to talk about right now - it's the hardest thing to do, admitting your wrongs. Admitting what you've neglected, rebelled against, forgotten - in my case, been too cowardly to go through with something. Two Sundays ago now, I didn't attend church and it wasn't because I didn't have the time/chance. It's quite a long story but I'll tell you it anyway.

I hadn't been to church for a few Sundays because off other commitments so it was kinda important that I attended that Sunday. The First Problem: I had been invited to a sleepover on Saturday night and was in two minds whether to go. I knew I could go to church on Sunday night if I wanted to but the sleep bit was in a camper van - which I really didn't fancy. So, after long deliberation, I decided that I wouldn't sleep, which meant mum and dad had to sacrifice their night out - they weren't happy. First problem overcome.

Second Problem: telling mum. On the Sunday mum still wasn't happy (my brother's sleepover at his friends had, too been kyboshed) and I was finding it difficult to ask if I could go to church. I had decided to stick to going to church in the evening so all I had to do was to ask mum, but I just couldn't do it. Eventually after hours of anxiety and a endorphin releasing gym session, I finally gathered the courage to ask mum. She said, 'Yeah, I suppose'. Problem two, sorted.

Now problem three was where it all went wrong. Truth be told, I was worried about going to a new church (our church doesn't do evening services), about meeting new people again. So I sat in the living room dreading, not the service, but the people - who by the way there is probably nothing wrong with. So I sat, aware it was getting closer to 6:30 and hearing dinner being almost ready. I don't know what I was feeling really. I was dreading meeting new people, I sometimes feel like an outsider in new-people situations, but wanting to go to the service and knowing god will be dissapointed with me if I don't. So, I did what I do best, ignored the problem, and walked into eat dinner at 6:30 without a word. But inside I felt like rubbish.

That night I prayed to god begging him to forgive me and I sincerely hope that he has. Because it was a terrible thing that I did and I felt sorry all night and the next day and the day after that and still today as I write. However, one good thing came out of this, I went to youth church on Friday - another newbie situation - and it was amazing